Broken... heart shattered. Do you hear me, Mama? Have you been here? Have you poured your heart into your child? You're time, energy, prayers, sleep, and finances have all been given to your child and at the end you are left empty and your child is broken. Broken and broken, opposite sides of the road, you opposite your child.
That is where I am today. I don't profess to be able to fix my kids any more than you can fix yours. It isn't our job. Our job as moms is to love our kids BIG. It is to accept them for who they are and meet them where they are at. It is THEIR job to fix their pains and pasts. It is GOD'S job to fill the voids. We can contribute to healing or hurts, and honestly as we fumble through the journey of parenting we will likely do both but remember, Mama, perfection isn't required. Our kids can't be perfect, nor can we.
Love isn't defined by an emotion... it isn't the warm and fuzzy feeling you had when you were matched to your chosen child. Love isn't the hope you had for your child in the early days or in your recent dreams. Love is a commitment that is centered on healthy boundaries and unconditional love regardless of the child's willingness to behave or look like you hoped he would. Love is messy. Love is ugly. Love HURTS. And yet LOVE NEVER FAILS.
If we measured any one of my adult, adopted children based on our worst day together we would appear to be failures as parents. And yet today I can proudly say that the bad days of enforcing boundaries and loving the "ugly" version of my children has resulted in INCREDIBLE young adult children whom I adore and enjoy immensely. I don't see my current battles as a failure because I KNOW that success is what happens after our young adult children get a harsh shift in perspective and come to understand themselves as far more capable than their fears would let them believe. They can see that despite the boundaries, they are LOVED fiercely and that love calls us parents to desire the best for them in all stages of life.
Hope isn't suspended though as our kids battle fear, we can't help but to hear it whisper in our hearts and heads. I will not let fear have space. Fear does not belong here. I know God has my kids. I know my kids are more capable than even I know. I know that I have given everything I have to each one of my kids and that in the places I have fallen short, grace covers me. Do you know these truths, Mama? Do you believe them? Do... embrace them. You will never be everything your children need... it isn't how this works. How will your child know a need for God if you do it ALL for them? It is our inadequacies that make space for your child to discover a greater need for something less faliable and be director to the Lord Almighty.
My son will be ok. It doesn't look optimistic and yet I KNOW AS SURE AS I KNOW... we are going to be ok. Not tonight. Tonight I am broken. Tonight he is broken. But in the days to come I will learn how to lead him through this valley and he will want me leading... It is the hope of that day that will allow me to fall asleep tonight.
Until then, I will hug the kids that undeniably love me. I will seek refuge in the heart of my spouse. I will seek to praise God in songs of worship and I will share with you Mamas that you are not allow in your low tides. Even trauma "experts" and seasoned adoptive parents find themselves pleading for a shift in tides and the hurt to numb. Together we unite for the needs of our kids and one another.... without judgement, and without condemnation. Love to you all, Mamas.
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