Memories are Interpretted, Not Recalled

Memory is relative. There can be facts in any given memory and yet each of us adds perception to the past event. Why is it important to recognize this as mamas to trauma exposed kids. Let's take a look.

One adopted child told her mother that her aunt Jan was her favorite person in her life and that Jan saved her. Her aunt was a drug user, alcoholic, cussed like a sailor and left this child in a crib so she didn't have to raise her. This aunt wasn't a consistent source of stability for the child, so the child got moved to a foster home within a short period of time. This child's perception of Jan to this day is that Jan is a hero despite the facts being as they are. 

What you don't know is that the child afore mentioned was nearly killed by her birth mom. This child was just a baby when her mom burned down their home when the drug lab imploded. A sibling was killed and CPS moved all of the children out of the fire and into the aunt's care. Now, can you see why the child has a distorted view of Jan? Literally, she feels saved by Jan. She was a baby and her life experience was with a bio mom that likely never met any needs and did nearly kill her. Was Jan a thousand times better than bio mom? Yes. But was Jan someone you or I would want this child to look up to? No. 

Now enters you as a the foster/adoptive parent... Your child wants to visit Aunt Jan. She misses her and hasn't seen her since she was 3. She doesn't know why she was taken away from Jan. She doesn't remember any abuse or drugs or neglect. Yet, you know there was all of that or she would have remained in Jan's care. See the problem? 

Or how about the child that has memories of a babysitter that they didn't like. They don't remember why they didn't like the babysitter because that is blocked but they remember the red sports car that the young adult drove. So now, red sports cars bring great anxiety to the child. 

Memory is relative under ALL circumstances, but enter a traumatic event into the situation or adrenaline (as in the excitement of reeling in a BIG fish that never REALLY is as big as the guys remember it being!) and the memories have what is called relevance. Relevance means that when a person is excited and fight or flight responses kick in, the brain hyper focuses on the threat in order to best determine how to respond. Details in the room fade away and perhaps only the weapon is in focus, not the person holding it. A person may literally freeze when under attack and the heightened sense of smell may be relevant remembering the cologne but not the height or hair of the perpetrator. 

Many innocent people have been wrongly convicted by our courts based on eye-witness testimony. Are they simply making up "WHO" did it? Or do they just remember it wrong? When a person experiences a crime, they are likely NOT to remember the details and are often embarrassed by the blurred memories and looking for the missing details themselves. The victims are often still full of adrenaline, hormone, and cortizols that are pushed into the system to help the victim endure. Those same chemicals reduce logic, time sequencing, spacial awareness, cause and effect reasoning, and impulsivity. In order to retell an event, are all of those skills not needed? And yet they are hindered both during and after the trauma. 

As a mom to children of trauma, I feel it is important to validate the child's interpretation of the memory despite the fact that the memory may not resonate as "true" to what you understand it to be. If the child has a relative memory, it is true to them. If they are intentionally exaggerating or lying about their experience, they are doing so for a REASON and most moms are not equipped to address the reason without training and support in understanding those reasons BEFORE opening them up. The child may be self-protecting by denying experiences. The child may be projecting by elaborating positive things that never occurred. You don't want to open a bag of worms that you aren't equipped to deal with so if you see a need to retell stories that aren't based in truth, you may want revisit them with a trauma informed therapist. 

For me, I remember it is best to seek understanding if the child wants to revisit their past. I focus on asking a lot of questions about how they felt, what they learned from that experience, how the experience shapes their thoughts and principals today. The more we ask, the more we can understand. But again, I don't ask them to divulge more, just ask them to interpret what they already shared and let their sharing limit be determined by themselves. 

Some things I have been told have required me to call the police as a mandated reporter of illegal abuses. THIS IS HARD because my child felt betrayed by my doing so. I get it. I hated having to do it and yet, she was a foster child at the time and it was the right thing to do. Other memories have been disturbing and though my child said it without emotion, I know the child is forever changed because of it. No emotion doesn't mean insignificance. Read that again... It is important to understand that there is no RIGHT or WRONG emotion to go with retelling horror stories. Your child cannot feel judged in sharing. Research has also shown that flat-effect does not indicate that the child is lying. So please don't make that mistake. 

As a mom, we need to be safe enough to talk to. And when our kids come to us with their interpretations of the past, we need to not correct them but challenge them to understand their interpretations. When needing challenged, we need to do that in a therapeutic environment and when the memories involve us, we need to have grace for their relevance in the memories.