Insiders Adoption Journal

Yelling isn't ok.... and it is not for the reasons you may think.

A few weeks back I did a survey on my fb page regarding how often yelling is happening in families. The majority of all moms that answered the survey said it was a daily fact of life within their homes. Some moms noted that the bulk of the yelling happens because the children are yelling at each other, being silly, or yelling at Mom and Dad. 

So yelling is common place in MOST homes and yet, I suggest that it is both completely unnecessary and destructive to the health of both the individuals in the home and the family unit. Mamas, the yelling HAS TO STOP and it is not for the reasons you may think. 

Is yelling rude? Yes. Is yelling a poor form of communication to teach our children? Yes. Is yelling going to get louder and more frequent over time? Probably. Does yelling reduce the peace in a home? Sure does. But Mamas, the biggest reason to not allow yourself or others in your home to yell has NOTHING...

Many times I have talked with mamas of adopted or foster children and a huge key to the daily success of these children is a predictable routine. Knowing not just what they are doing, but knowing what they will be doing next and for the rest of the day gives the child security and allows them to be more at ease within themselves. 

Well, I don't know about you, but I didn't realize just how much I also thrive from a predictable routine, knowing what is going on and what will be happening next. Now that the Coronavirus has trapped us all in our homes and thrown both our "mom routines" and our children's schedules out the door, I think we all are struggling to find peace, joy, sanity, and sometimes hope. 

Now that our world has turned upside down as mothers, if we take a moment to reflect on it, we can get just a small taste of how hard our children have had it. We don't know if our family living in other places are going to be ok. We don't know if our job is secure. We don't...

I am tired, Mamas. I don't know about you, but the daily battle field with my trauma exposed kids has me constantly looking for answers. I have hopes for my children. I want them to be all they were created to be and for their struggles to be less. I go to IEP meetings, parenting classes and camps, prayer groups... I do hours of homework some days and dry the tears of my socially incapable kids. It is draining and yet I desire to do nothing less because if my kids can endure it, so can I. 

It is this constant desire for more for my children that led me to finding neurofeedback. I was referred to a leading psychologist in the Phoenix area for what is called a QEEG test for my daughter at the time. The results of this test showed many areas of her brain that were either over active or underactive compared to the most desirable signal. She was told she needed 35-40 sessions of this thing called neurofeedback (also known as EEG or biofeedback). But the treatment was costly. It felt...

Nature vs. nurture is a question that has been asked for decades.  Does your DNA or your life experience speak louder into who you grow up to be? The testing has been done and the results are in... yes, it is both; however, it STRONGLY leans toward nurture or environmental exposures as the greatest factor impacting the outcome on today's children. 

It is interesting that proponents of the argument for our biology being the strongest factor for childhood outcomes would point to adopted children as proof that the very DNA that adopted children were made up of would likely be the reason for difficult adoptee children in an otherwise "healthy" home. Studies have since shown that the very fact that these children NEEDED to be adopted led to one of the greatest trauma events any child could ever experience simply in needing to be separated from the biological mother.

As an adoptive mom to 11 children myself, I know adoption is a HUGE blessing. And yet I also know that it is...

Broken... heart shattered. Do you hear me, Mama? Have you been here? Have you poured your heart into your child? You're time, energy, prayers, sleep, and finances have all been given to your child and at the end you are left empty and your child is broken. Broken and broken, opposite sides of the road, you opposite your child. 

That is where I am today. I don't profess to be able to fix my kids any more than you can fix yours. It isn't our job. Our job as moms is to love our kids BIG. It is to accept them for who they are and meet them where they are at. It is THEIR job to fix their pains and pasts. It is GOD'S job to fill the voids. We can contribute to healing or hurts, and honestly as we fumble through the journey of parenting we will likely do both but remember, Mama, perfection isn't required. Our kids can't be perfect, nor can we. 

Love isn't defined by an emotion... it isn't the warm and fuzzy feeling you had when you were matched to your chosen child. Love isn't...

Memory is relative. There can be facts in any given memory and yet each of us adds perception to the past event. Why is it important to recognize this as mamas to trauma exposed kids. Let's take a look.

One adopted child told her mother that her aunt Jan was her favorite person in her life and that Jan saved her. Her aunt was a drug user, alcoholic, cussed like a sailor and left this child in a crib so she didn't have to raise her. This aunt wasn't a consistent source of stability for the child, so the child got moved to a foster home within a short period of time. This child's perception of Jan to this day is that Jan is a hero despite the facts being as they are. 

What you don't know is that the child afore mentioned was nearly killed by her birth mom. This child was just a baby when her mom burned down their home when the drug lab imploded. A sibling was killed and CPS moved all of the children out of the fire and into the aunt's care. Now, can you see why the child has a...

More and more this month I have taken calls from moms in distress because their rebellious child is now a rebellious adult that has chosen to leave the home. This is a BIG shift for us mamas. And it is one that leaves us feeling powerless, afraid, angry, and hurt... yet partially relieved in some cases. Questions arise on what parenting to an independent child looks like. "How much do I still do for my son and what is fair to expect in return?" " I feel like she hates me and only calls to use me when she needs something." It is so hard, Mama. I know it is. 

Losing an adult child to their independence when they are healthy, employed or in college, and are emotionally and behaviorally stable is a lot easier. We moms may feel some anxiety and loneliness, but we have the assurance that our fledgling is going to fly despite perhaps a few initial stumbles. If this describes you, Mama, you've done well as has your child. 

If this doesn't describe your empty-nest experience, it...

Dear Adoptive Mom with Your "Normal" Kid, 

You dreamed of bringing home your bundle of joy. And when your dreams came true, you dreamed that your bundle would grow into a healthy and vibrant child who had nothing but typical struggles. And that dream came true. Your child understands social cues, your child is growing academically, your child adores you and thrives in school, at home, and in life. You did it! You won the adoption lottery! I am SO HAPPY for you and genuinely overjoyed that your child is doing so well. 

I had won the adoption lottery, once upon a time. (Let it be said that in a very different sense of the word, I still feel I have won the lottery despite the difficulties that have ensued with my children.)  My first child was healthy upon arrival and developmentally age appropriate. To this day, he is the most "normal" as far as his development, though he is on an IEP and has some social issues. This son has never hurt me... and I mean never. He has...

Let's be honest mama, there are some seasons in our home in which we just aim to get through- to survive. We are simply trying to keep our house from burning down and our kids all alive! And in that process of just "getting by", we lose ourselves. We struggle to remember what it was like to have energy, to have a bounce in our step, and to look forward to something. We pour so much into the needs of everyone around us that we go to bed and wake up bankrupt inside, day after day. Can you feel me? 

This was the case for me in several seasons of my life as an adoptive mom to trauma exposed kids. They won. Their trauma perpetuated as trauma in my home and between their issues and the issues that they made my issues, I would crawl under the covers and dread having to come back out from them. There was one place in the whole house that felt safe, and it was my bed. I spent my day counting down the time until I could crawl back into my cocoon of safety. 

Since those days, I have...

I remember the day that we decided we would adopt. We had a miscarriage after investing money we didn't have into fertility treatments. We had gone from our highest of highs to our lowest of lows in a matter of weeks and after months at not knowing how we would grow our family, we attended an adoption orientation at a local agency. We left that meeting with a renewed hope for a large family. We were excited, relieved, and eager. 

Nothing about adoption was easy, but let's be honest... nothing about infertility was easy either. Having a family was simply not going to be easy for Jason and I. So I guess it was good that easy wasn't a requirement for us. 

Our first few kids came with great health complications, but we were matched much quicker than we had ever dreamed. Our family was growing and I was in my element. I was a MOM! I had dreamed of being a mom since I was 9. I wrote in my third grade journal to the kids I would one day have (Yes, I really did). 

I had my...